A toss of a coin

A whisper of death

A toss of a coin

Fingers barely grazing the skin

Keeping your head down

Though you struggle to lift it up

Intestines trying to live

On the outside of my body

Unknown hands clawing at your body

Unyielding, unstopping

Reduced to two decisions

Death or Sleep

Which will it be?

Which will win this time?

A toss of a coin

Renee Robinson

Dear Diary June 6, 2012

I found this hat on the internet…I am now on a mission to get it.  I claim to be catlike in many ways…..Isn’t this perfect?? I will be shopping! wooohooo

I am currently on day 2 of chemo.  I have a headache which literally screams through the blood vessels this poison shrinks. It truly narrows my blood vessels in hope of starving the beast. It is no long a tumor or two.  It has claimed my liver as its own. I am running out of options, I really need to see success in this treatment, or it might be time to hang up my hat.  I have several hats to hang.  The are my “cats lives”, I many hang one up but I have many more following.

My concentration is very poor.  Drinking chemo cocktails make me uncoordinated and out of focus.  It is a real struggle to have a clear thought.  I can’t handle losing my mind.  I do not want to live in a body with no lights on.  I have fill out my living will.  If I should ever reach that point, the plug will be pulled.  Don’t worry!  I intend to take my blog with me.

I am working on being published.  I am slowed down because I am drunk of chemo.  No matter how long it take, I will get it finished.  I have a very close friend who has given me some pointers and overseeing my project (I might need to let him know that last past part haha)

I hope to post more today, depends on whether my mind can get out of this haze.

love yous all

nae

Dancing With Cancer – June 27, 2011

My Journey With Cancer

June 27, 2011

Dear Diary,

I now completely understand giving up.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do not intend to do anything to move along the process. However, I am at peace with it, am no longer afraid of it, and I accept it.

Don’t think I am throwing in the towel. I just have a new acceptance and understanding, which I am unable to adequately put into words.  Perhaps another time, after I have had time to contemplate and allow to roll around in my mind for a while, the appropriate words will come to me.

Saddle Me An Angel

Saddle Me An Angel

Saddle me an Angel

Take me for a ride

Hogtie cancer

Kick it in the hide

Dig in my spurs

Casting it out

Lash with a whip

Punch in the snout

Cancer don’t have

Nothing on me

I’m full of vinegar

And TNT

How dare this critter

Take ahold of me

I will knock

It in the head and

Kick it in the knee

Corral up some Angels

They are on my side

Then we’ll

Hogtie cancer

Kick it in the hide

Angel posse

Working for me

Whooping cancer

Make it history

Cast cancer off

My dude ranch

It ain’t welcome

Under any

Circumstance

Angel posse

Guns ready

Shooting cancer

Holden steady

by Renee Robinson

Take My Hand

Take My Hand

Just over this hill
All fear will subside
Heaven is waiting
For you to arrive
The Heavenly Host is at the door
To take you in forever more
No more tears will drop
No more hearts will break
No more worries to fret
No more burdens to take

Take my hand
As we travel
To the Promised Land
Take my hand
Let me lead you
To the Promised Land
Take my hand
No more crying
Pain will be gone
Take my hand and
I will lead you on

It isn’t much further
To the Promised Land
If you are too tired
No longer can stand
I will carry you om
Do not fear
This Glorious Land
Is very near
No more tears will drop
No more hearts will break
No more worries to fret
No more burdens to take

Take my hand
As we travel
To the Promised Land
Take my hand
Let me lead you
To the Promised Land
Take my hand
No more crying
Pain will be gone
Take my hand and
I will lead you on

Clear cool water
Freely flows
Just over this hill
And through a meadow
Birds will be singing
Songs full of grace
This Promised Land
Such a beautiful place
No more tears will drop
No more hearts will break
No more worries to fret
No more burdens to take

Take my hand
As we travel
To the Promised Land
Take my hand
Let me lead you
To the Promised Land
Take my hand
No more crying
Pain will be gone
Take my hand and
I will lead you on

by Renee Robinson

Sweet Rose

Sweet Rose

Throw me a rose

When you think of me

Throw me a rose

To say you love me

 

May beautiful roses

Cover my ground

Reminding me of you

And love found

 

Sweet smelling rose

Keeping you near

Holding you close

Loving you dear

 

Symbol of love

Eternal devotion

Life together

Sweet emotions

 

Toss roses petals

All over our bed

Promise of love

And what lays ahead

 

by Renee Robinson

Forever And A Day

I have never revealed this before

Because it is something we never discuss

Call it a premonition, but please do not fuss

I have always known as back as I can remember

My life would end when my years reach September

50 is September, I am in August

I know that is soon, it is fast approaching

I am not giving in, only validating

I choose to spend my time with you

Leaving a gift that will always be

All of my writings, all of my musings

Keep near your heart, there to for your using

I want you to take, and keep with you

Read to your children, when you have a few

Tell them of my love for each one

How I am always here enjoying their fun

I will love you forever and a day

I will hold you all again, come what may

by Renee Robinson

Dancing With Cancer – April 30, 2011

April 30, 2011

 

Dear Diary,

 

I suppose it is conceivable considering how long I have been ill, that I would not recover overnight. However, my surgery seems to have not “fixed” my entire problem. I will still experience bouts of the most unbearable pain. Honestly, I do not see how a person can be expected to live. There is definitely something else wrong, and my Dr. suspects he knows what….the nueropathy has destroyed my intestines. The nerves are not functioning properly. I am scared to think of what, if anything can be done for this. 

For now, I am stuck crying uncontrollably when the pain hits and pray for something to stop and cure it.

I pray for an Angel’s kiss
To softly brush my cheek
And stop my tears
To sweep me up
Upon her wings
So that I may ride
Into the heavens
And feel His light
Warming my face
And taking away my pain

Amen

Death Patrol

Death Patrol

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

Company Halt!

I awaken in the night

The Death Patrol is marching

I hear the boots with each step

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

When suddenly they stop!

Company Halt!

Oh dear God

Please not me!

I am not ready to go

So much to do

So much left unsaid

Please let them pass my bed

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

Company Halt!

I hear the rattle of the keys

As they enter my door

Terror rushes through me

Pulling the covers over my head

Begging, pleading, asking God

Please let pass my bed

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

Steps are closer

As they near

Up my steps they come

Shaking badly in my bed

This is the moment that I dread

My heart is beating in a flutter

I am praying in a stutter

Please, Dear Lord

Hear my cry

Please let them pass on by

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

Footsteps sound like a hammer

Beating at my heart

I hear the door to my room

They continue to march

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

Company Halt

The moment has come

They are here

I lay and tremble

Sweating in fear

The leader of the patrol

Points and tells me to rise

I burrow further in my bed

Knowing my demise

I feel a force

Greater than me

Lifting me up

Out of bed

The covers

Left behind

My eyes open

I stare ahead

The leader

Of the patrol

Reaches out

To touch me

I pull away

Wishing I could flee

When at this time

I notice a kindness in his eyes

He strokes my cheek

And tells me not to fear

No harm shall come

Heaven is near

This journey is almost over

At the end I shall be blessed

A heavenly reunion awaits

Soon I will be able to rest

A portal then opened

Angels rejoicing on the other side

Heavenly voices singing

The Death Patrol was my guide

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

1, 2, 3, 4

Tap, tap, tap, tap

Company Halt

Welcome music was playing

As I entered through the portal

Cradled in the arms

Of the Elite Immortal

The Leader

Of the Death Patrol

by Renee Robinson

Cricket Keeper

One day while, Walking in the rain

I came upon a man, He stopped me

And this is what he said:

I have something for you

I want you to keep

This tiny little cricket

Will comfort when you sleep

Keep him always near

When you feel alone

He will sing softly

From the comfort

Of your home

He will rejoice

And give you needed peace

Bring to you joy

And Spiritual relief

Skeptical of what, This man had to say

But intrigue by his words, I accepted the cricket

Though feeling absurd, I continued my walk

On my way home, Thoughts of this man

Flashed as I roamed, Finally I arrived

Safely to home, Upon my window seal

Cricket’s new home, His musical chirps

All through the night, Songs of God’s love

Until daylight, I slept more sound

Than I had in years, No nightmares

Or worrisome fears, When I awoke

I began to stare, At this small bug

There was nothing to see, Nothing special

I shrugged, I found myself thinking

About the Cricket Keeper,  The gentle old man

Who gave me this gift,

Where did he come from?

What was his name?

Why did he stop me?

Was he insane?

I pondered these thoughts, All through the day

Until I grew tired, And climbed into bed

The cricket’s song, Sang throughout

Heavenly music, Blessed and devout

When I awoke, I had to find him

The Cricket Keeper, I had to know him

I felt such peace, Such deep happiness

I had to thank him, For his kindness

When I arrived, To the man’s home

I noticed how old, And broken it was

It was cold, And falling apart

I felt so sad, It was breaking my heart

I knocked on the door, But no one answered

A little concerned, I asked a neighbor

No one has lived here, In many years

Whoever he was, Was pulling your ears

I was confused, But needed some answers

I let myself in, This wooden disaster

Only a small table, Sat in the room

Which was dreary, In the gloom

I noticed a note, On the table top

Picking it up, I brushed a teardrop

My heart felt, For this gentleman

He was so kind, His home so grim

I opened his note, And began to read

The most beautiful words, Anyone has ever

Shared with me, He told of a man

Jesus was His name, He told of the songs

The cricket sang, Wondrous stories

Of deep found love, He told me how

He watched from above, He said I would

Never be alone, Just believe in Him

And He would come, He knew of my cancer

And all of my fears, I could barely read

For all my tears, His final words

I began to read:

Have faith in

the Cricket Keeper

For I am He you seek

I will walk with you

As you journey and

I shall carry you

When you are weak

by Renee Robinson