Archives For terminal cancer

I don’t actually remember how I first met Renee Robinson. I think it all started when some unmitigated ‘Ho wrote a cruel review about her writing, and I jumped to her defense. That sounds about like me. Anyone who could write cruelly about someone who does what Renee does with her life deserves a smack-down. Of course, I have never met her in person, but I have been corresponding with her for a while. Renee is a Terminal Cancer victim, who just received the dreaded “There is nothing else we can do” message, a message I never received myself, but feared nevertheless.

You see, Renee is the author of Captain Chemo: Out Cancer, Out! (Captain Chemo and Team Book 1). It is a poem, a poem designed to help children who are going through chemo to build courage and remain positive through the horrors of chemo. And believe me – chemo is horrendous. The pain, the vomiting, the weakness – it is all more than even adults can sometimes handle. Now, think about a small child going through the same thing – the horror of it all beyond their understanding. Renee’s book helps. Maybe not in any “this is going to make it all go away” sort of way – but it provides hope for the little ones.

Tracy Townsend with Healthsource 10 interviewed Renee on July 23. You can watch the video here:

http://bit.ly/1rMpLB7

Renee Robinson

Renee and her family have donated several of her books to Nationwide Children’s, The James and the Fairfield Medical Center.

This book is a perfect donation for the cancer centers in your area. Why not be a peach and purchase several? The children will thank you – and your heart will too.

How courageous is it, for someone like Renee who is Terminal, to care so much about children suffering from cancer and try to help them? Renee is someone I am proud to call my friend. Leiah Cooper. http://soireadthisbooktoday.com/

I do not want to lose my hope.

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I Believe

Nae's Nest —  November 13, 2013 — 3 Comments

I am here.  I belong. I am somebody. I am strong

Yet I feel I am made of wax.  A poor reflection of what might have been.

If only I had been given voice. If only I had been given a choice.

Something bigger took me over.  He slowly crept into my life.

He brandished a sword.  He is a thief in the night.

He tried to take my soul.  I put up a fight.

I refused to give up my spirit. He grew very angry.

He threatened to take it from me.  His voice filled with fury.

He beat me down, I could not take anymore.

My soul is still intact  He does not know how to react

“You are weak with disease.   You fight for you life.

You must be worn down.  How can you still fight?”

My room filled with light.  It glowed all around me.

It wrapped me like a blanket.  It is what protects me.

The Light is on my side.  This makes me stronger than you.

As long as I believe, I can overtake you.

I am here.  I belong. I am somebody. I am strong

I have been given a voice.  I have been given a choice.

Something bigger is taking me over.  Slowly he came into my life.

Now I am stronger than you.  I can take you on.

You have no power over me.

Go to hell where you belong.

Renee Robinson

First Place, Medal of Life

Nae's Nest —  November 9, 2013 — 6 Comments

RaceForLife

I am late with this entry.  I am much slower at fitting in my writing goals.  I little over a month ago I was in the hospital.  I had an internal bleed in the lower intestine.  Fortunately, it was not a “bad” bleed.  It stopped not long after my arrival to the hospital.  I  was in the hospital 3 days.  Doc wanted me to stay a little longer, but I convinced him that Del is the best nurse I’ve ever had.  Therefore, I would be OK.

I began to speak with my Doc about my life expectancy.  (A topic I had avoided until then).  He said, well you have actually done much better than most.  I have lived about a year longer than expected.

Wow.  It feels weird to know that I am a first place runner in this race.  In fact, I am in the 1% bracket.

Do not look at this as if I could die at any time.  Know that I am beating the odds.  So far, God is holding my hand and has kept me from teetering over to the other side.

In one hand I clasp the Medal of Life.  In the other, I hold the hand of Christ.

 

 

When Cancer Disappears

Nae's Nest —  September 28, 2013 — 2 Comments

When Cancer Disappears: The Curious Phenomenon of “Unexpected Remission”

by Kelly A. Turner, PhD

We’ve all heard a story like this one. After trying all that Western medicine has to offer, a person with Stage 4 cancer is told there is nothing more the doctors can do and is sent home to receive hospice care. Five years later, that person strolls into the doctor’s office feeling great, with no further evidence of cancer.

In the medical world, this kind of case is referred to as a spontaneous remission, which is defined as the disappearance, complete or incomplete, of cancer without medical treatment or with medical treatment that is considered inadequate to produce the resulting disappearance of disease symptoms or tumor.”

Many researchers, including myself, believe that the word spontaneous is a misnomer and should be changed toto unexpected or unlikely. We feel this way because few things in life are truly spontaneous—occurring purely by accident. It is more likely that these remissions have a cause—or two or three—that science has not yet identified.

Background

Regardless of what we call them, unexpected remissions do occur, and more than one thousand cases (across all types of cancer) have been published in medical journals. Thousands more have most likely occurred but not been published, because most doctors don’t take the time to write-up a report and submit it to a journal—which unfortunately is currently the only way of tracking these kinds of cases. Based on what has been published, unexpected remissions are estimated to occur in one out of every sixty thousand to one hundred thousand cancer patients; however, the true incidence rate is likely higher than that due to underreporting. (Personally, I prefer to call them Miracles–Renee Robinson)

Over the past century, there has been a steady flow of published case reports along with flashes of increased interest in this topic. For example, in the 1960s, the first two scientific books on unexpected remission were published, which led to a sharp increase in the number of case reports submitted to medical journals.3 After awhile, however, interest in the topic lulled again until the late 1980s when the Institute of Noetic Sciences (IONS) launched the Spontaneous Remission Project, which culminated in the publication of a comprehensive bibliography of documented cases.4 Since then, approximately twenty new cases of unexpected remission are published each year, and there still has been a noticeable lack of formal research into why these remissions might occur.

It’s understandable, in a way. How do you begin to research something you cannot explain? Many conventional doctors feel threatened by these “miraculous” cures and don’t wish to talk about them—much less research them—for fear that they will give “false hope” to their other patients. In fact, most of the unexpected remission survivors I have studied are thrilled to have finally found a professional who is interested in learning how they healed. They often lament, “My doctor didn’t even ask how I did it.”

The Present Research

Perhaps because I am a qualitative researcher and not a medical doctor, I have always been fascinated by cases of unexpected remission. When I began studying them during my doctoral studies at the University of California at Berkeley, I was disappointed to see how little research had been done on this topic. The first problem I saw was that there was no database where I could easily find and analyze these cases. The second issue I noticed was that two groups of people had been largely ignored in the research: the survivors themselves as well as nonallopathic healers. It seemed odd that in an effort to explain unexpected remissions, we weren’t asking the opinions of the people who had actually healed. I also couldn’t understand why, when trying to explain a remission that is by definition not a result of allopathic treatment, we weren’t seeking out hypotheses from nonallopathic healers.

As a result, my dissertation research involved collecting hypotheses from these two previously ignored groups about why unexpected remissions may occur. More specifically, I spent ten months traveling the world in search of fifty nonallopathic cancer healers. My research led me to interview healers in the United States, China, Japan, New Zealand, Thailand, India, England, Ireland, Zambia, Zimbabwe, and Brazil (translators were used when necessary). When I returned from this amazing trip, I found twenty unpublished cases of unexpected remission and conducted phone interviews with the survivors. I purposely sought out unpublished cases first, in order to see if the underreporting issues were true—which they were. I am grateful to the American Cancer Society for providing partial funding for this study.

My seventy hour-long interviews resulted in more than three thousand pages of transcripts, which I analyzed multiple times to find recurring themes. I identified more than seventy-five “treatments” for cancer, six of which were “very frequent” among all seventy subjects. Underlying beliefs about cancer also emerged from the interviews, of which three were very frequent. I am happy to share these results here in an abbreviated form. Please remember that these are hypotheses only, not facts.

Belief #1: Change the Conditions under which Cancer Thrives

The majority of my interviewees believed that cancer thrives under certain, suboptimal conditions in the body-mind-spirit system and that to remove cancer, those underlying conditions must change. Healer #21 from Hawaii explained it this way:

The most successful recoveries seem to be strongly associated with major mental, emotional, or physical behavioral changes among the people with the illness. What is major for one person, of course, may not be the same for another . . . I know of one success where a woman left her family, took up a different religion, changed her clothing and diet, and moved to a different country. Maybe she needed all of those changes or maybe not, but overall it worked for her. I know of another person, a man, who simply stopped trying to outdo his father, and that worked for him.

Belief #2: Illness = Blockage/Slowness; Health = Movement

The majority of my interviewees also believed that any illness—including cancer—represents a blockage or slowness somewhere in the body-mind-spirit system, whereas health occurs when there is a state of unhindered movement or flow.

FIELD NOTES: Healer #1 explained his theory of “bypasses,” which he described as psychological defense mechanisms that function to create a bypass around an energetic block. He said that this energetic block can be located at either the spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical level and that these bypasses become solidified over time. In his opinion, true healing only occurs when a person (1) stops bypassing and (2) releases the original blockage.

Belief #3: A Body-Mind-Spirit Interaction Exists, and Energy Permeates All Three Levels

The third belief that the majority of my interviewees discussed was the idea that a body-mind-spirit interaction exists and that energy permeates all three of these levels. According to Healer #35, an American-born, Peruvian-trained shaman:

You have to have mind, body, and spirit healing. . . Most of us who live in our physical bodies, we don’t even know about spiritual or emotional bodies. So we have to connect with all three of them. But you see, in the mountains of the Andes, [the Andean people] are already connected.

In addition to these three underlying beliefs about health, there were also six treatments that the cancer survivors and healers discussed most frequently. These included physical as well as emotional, energetic, and spiritual “treatments.” They are listed below in alphabetical order.

Changing One’s Diet

The majority of my interviewees believed it was important to change their diet to primarily whole vegetables, fruits, grains, and beans, while eliminating meat, sugar, dairy, and refined grains. Unexpected Survivor #16, who overcame liver cancer without conventional medical treatment, explains the major changes he made in his diet:

[I healed] by just going on a basic, good, predominantly raw, vegan diet alone and supplementing it with lots of juices, like carrot juice, which of course is packed with nutrients. And the reason why the juices are so important is we have depleted basically all of our produce . . . That’s the reason for using juices as a supplement . . . All of a sudden the body says, Wow! It’s like watering the lawn when it’s dry.

Experiencing a Deepening of Spirituality

The majority of my interviewees also discussed feeling—not just believing but actually feeling—an internal sensation of divine, loving energy. Some even had transcendent experiences, such as Unexpected Survivor #4, who healed from a Stage 3 lung cancer without conventional medical treatment:

It was a ten-day, silent retreat, where you couldn’t speak, you couldn’t acknowledge other people in the room, and you just meditated for like fourteen hours a day. And I had this experience that I can’t explain. It was like all of a sudden there was a flash, and in my eyes I could see rivers of energy swirling around and at the same time felt that same thing through every cell of my body. And there’s a word for it, but I forget what the teacher said it was—but he explained that, “You felt your soul. You felt your true essence.” And I said, “Did I feel God?” And he kind of smiled and said, “Some people may call it that.”

Feeling Love/Joy/Happiness

The majority of my interviewees also discussed the importance of increasing love and happiness in their life in order to help regain their health.

FIELD NOTES: [Unexpected Survivor #5, who overcame a rare lymphoma without conventional medical treatment] said that the energy/spiritual healer that he saw flooded his lymph system with energy and that after the treatment he felt like “a teenager in love.” He felt love toward everyone and everything. He said the treatment made him realize that if he could only find a way to feel that level of unconditional love all of the time, then he would be healed from his cancer.

Releasing Repressed Emotions

Because many of my interviewees believed that illness represents a state of blockage, they therefore believed that it was healthy to release any emotions they had been holding onto, such as fear, anger, and grief. Unexpected Survivor #19, who overcame pancreatic cancer without conventional medical treatment, explains her insight into this process:

I believe that the energy stuck in my body that appeared to be a mass or a tumor, and which [my physicians] called cancer, had been caused by these patterns that I was describing to you that don’t get released, that are continually overlaid, over and over and over, wherever they are. So if it’s kidney cancer, it’s probably excessive fears; if it’s lung cancer, it’s grief of some sort that hasn’t been resolved. I mean, I think they can be very much tracked back to patterns, thought patterns, thought forms that are not releasing, and therefore they hold in the cell memory are not being released.

Taking Herbs or Vitamins

Many of my interviewees also took various forms of supplements, with the belief that they would help to detoxify their body or boost their immune system or both. Here is how Unexpected Survivor #8, who overcame Stage 3 colon cancer, described it:

Dr. Turner: Of all the things you just told me about, what do you think was the most influential for your healing, or are they all pretty equal for you?

Unexpected Survivor #8: I would say, for my body, that would be the Wholly Immune [supplement] that I got . . . It has like about fifty different things in it . . . [A friend] researched it and said, “In that Wholly Immune, you’ve got seven cancer fighters. If you were taking them on their own, it wouldn’t be as potent.” He said that because they’re in combination, it acts as a cancer destroyer.

Using Intuition to Help Make Treatment Decisions

Finally, many of my interviewees talked about the importance of using intuition to help make treatment-related decisions. For example, Unexpected Survivor #7, who overcame recurrent metastatic breast cancer after conventional medicine had failed to work, described how a healer’s intuition matched her own:

[The Tibetan healer] took his finger and with a pinpoint accuracy touched every spot on my body where I had had cancer, or where I had cancer presently. It was amazing! He could see what scans couldn’t see. I had predicted my cancer four times. I had led [my doctors] to it with a pinpoint of accuracy before the scans could even pick up the collection of cells. [The Tibetan healer] could do what I could do with my own body.

In addition to the six “treatments” listed above, which were common among both the healers and the unexpected survivors, there were additional treatments that were more frequent in one group than the other. For example, the following three themes were very frequent among the twenty unexpected survivors, but less so among the healers.

Taking Control of Health Decisions

The vast majority of the unexpected survivors discussed taking a more active role in health decision-making, as opposed to passively accepting whatever their doctors told them. Unexpected Survivor #9, who overcame recurrent metastatic breast cancer after conventional medicine had failed to work, describes it this way:

Once the panic and fear had subsided after the breast cancer returned for the fifth time, I felt as certain as I ever had been that the only person who could save me was the scientist within . . . For five years, I had done everything my doctors had advised and undergone all the treatments that they had prescribed . . . [This time] I decided that instead I would look at breast cancer in a detached way, as a natural scientist, and try to understand the disease as a type of natural phenomenon.

Having a Strong Will to Live

The vast majority of the unexpected survivors demonstrated a strong will to live. Unexpected Survivor #15, who overcame Stage 3 breast cancer without conventional medicine, demonstrates this willfulness:

The doctor said to me, “After you get this surgery done and have the chemo and radiation, we can give you five more years to live.” And I thought, I want to live more than five years! So, when the doctor said that, I got mad . . . So I kind of went out with an attitude of this isn’t going to beat me. I’m going to do this.

Receiving Social Support

Finally, the vast majority of unexpected survivors in this study described receiving positive social support during their cancer experience. Unexpected Survivor #13 describes the outpouring of love that she received:

One of the things I truly learned [when I had cancer] is that I am valued . . . I was able to share the reality of my experience, and people resonated with that and just stepped in to do whatever was needed. It was a huge validation of the universe and that all life is valued. I wasn’t valued because I’m me, my person necessarily, but because my lifehas value. All life has value, and that includes mine . . . It’s a wonderful consequence of this disease, the outpouring of love. Well, maybe it’s the purpose

There were two themes that occurred more frequently among the healers than the unexpected survivors: (1) healing, infusing, or unblocking energy and (2) strengthening or activating the immune system. You can read more about these, as well as further analysis of all themes, in my full dissertation.

Future Directions

The results from this qualitative study provide some hypotheses as to why unexpected remission may occur. What is needed now is for researchers to study these hypotheses in clinical trials that can test first for safety, then for feasibility, and finally for causality. In addition, there is an immediate need for a central database of unexpected remission case reports, ideally one that is online.

I am currently working on creating such a database and website, with the hope that survivors, doctors, and healers will be able to quickly submit their case reports so that researchers like myself can verify and analyze them. Eventually, this de-identified (anonymous) database will also be searchable by the public, serving not only as a portal for researchers but also as a source of inspiration for cancer patients who are currently battling the disease.

If you know anyone who has healed their cancer either (1) without conventional medicine, (2) after conventional medicine failed, or (3) who used integrative methods to outlive a dire prognosis, please encourage them to submit their case at www.UnexpectedRemission.org (currently in beta). All submitted reports will be automatically de-identified unless specifically asked not to by the survivor.

In closing, I would like to say that studying anomalies such as unexpected remissions is neither easy, nor uncontroversial, nor immediately fruitful. However, I firmly believe that such research can lead us to a new paradigm of scientific understanding, and that by rigorously investigating unexpected remissions—as opposed to simply ignoring them—we can make significant advances in the war on cancer.

 had breast cancer 14 years ago, and I too was treated with chemo and radiation. I was happy to receive these treatments, but I also felt that something was lacking. This feeling intensified a spiritual quest that included listening to my inner voice, shamanism, herbs, and meditation. I am well today. Jane

Sneak Preview

Nae's Nest —  September 15, 2013 — Leave a comment

This is an excerpt from a chapter of Dancing With Cancer. A memoir of a life with cancer.

What should one expect when traveling down Cancer Street? What does it do to personal relationships? How does it change one emotionally,spiritually and physically?

How does one deal with stepping on the stones of hell when nightmares and fear take over?

This is about one life with cancer. It is about all lives with cancer. It is about you, me and the person nextdoor. Cancer has no boundaries. Any one of us can end up walking down this street.

This book is to help us to cope with living with cancer day by day.

The night before surgery, I begin to prepare.  I fasted all day which is not very difficult.  I can’t eat even if I want to.  It feels like a few hundred butterflies are hatching inside my stomach.

I am more than happy to take a shower as it gives me and my mind something else to do.  The surgeon gave me a bottle of liquid shower soap.  It smells like disinfectant, which I suppose is what it is.  Per Doctor’s orders, I am to lather up my belly and soak in the suds for a few seconds.  Next, I scrub with a steel-wool pad and repeat all over again. Well, okay. I am not using steel-wool.  I am just making sure you are really paying attention.  I hate to think I lost you somewhere in the shower.  I am nervous enough without having to worry about you.

I allow the water to pour over me.  I have apple scented shower soap and lather my peach shower puff.  I relax and enjoy the apple scent swirls as it rises up to envelop me like a blanket. When I finish shaving, I pull out my favorite apple scent shampoo and create a thick white lather.  I close my eyes and hide in the warm fog.  As I rinse my hair, tears began to slip down my cheeks.  I imagine it looks much like the water droplets training down the shower walls.  I begin to pray.  Right there, butt naked in the shower.  Just God and I.

Dear Lord, I am scared.  Please come into surgery with me.  I told Him I am scared. Watch over Del and my family.  I am asking for a miracle Dear Lord.  Allow me to feel your healing touch.  Be with me and my family every step of the way.  In Jesus Christ, I pray.  Amen.

Stepping out of the shower, I dry off with my favorite fluffy white towel.  My belly is so clean it squeaks and I swear I just saw my belly button wink at me.

I have one final step to take in preparation.  Moaning, I dig around until I find the enema I purchased  earlier at the drug store. Sighing deeply, I pick up the box to read the directions.  All of the comfort the shower just gave me, evaporates as I open the box. I stand staring at the illustrated contents.

Dropping my mouth open as my eyes grow wide in horror, “You’ve got to be kidding me,” I think. “Is that even possible?”

With nothing but a towel wrapped around me, I enter my bedroom, closing the door behind me.  With a groan, I drop my soft fluffy towel and spread it on my bed along with a couple more.  After studying the directions and one last disturbing glance at the diagram, I crawl on my bed to mimic the picture.

I feel like I am playing a demented game of twister.  Place right and left knee on bed.  Stick naked butt up in the air.  With one elbow on the bed for support, reach back with free hand…

“Free hand?  What free hand?” I think.  ”OH! The hand holding the bottle with the horrifying applicator!”  Swallow.  ”Oh God.”

The instructions say to relax.”What idiot wrote this?”  I mutter. “Obviously someone who has never tried this!”

Deep breath.  Reaching back again and after a few failed attempts and watery eyes, I finally make contact. “Houston, we’re ready to lift-off.”

Quickly, I begin to squeeze the contents inside me.  Big mistake as it ran right back out.  Mortified, I s-l-o-w-l-y empty the contents. No wonder this particular bodily orifice has a puckered opening.  It is nature’s way of clamping itself shut as if saying, “Hey idiot! Don’t even think about inserting anything in here!”

I barely get my arse out of the air when the stuff kicks in. The next couple of hours are spent cramping and trotting to the potty. Before surgery I think I will ask Doc to remove the ring from around my butt.

A couple of hours worth of bathroom trots later, I finally go to bed.  As usual Del reaches over for a goodnight kiss. However this time his eyes pool up with water.  He pulls me close and silently we weep.  There is no need for words.  We are one.  We are going through this together.  He holds me as if the act of letting go will mean I will be lost to him forever.  We finally try to nestle down for sleep as our knees fold into each other cricket style.  Del’s head against the back of my neck.   His tears roll down into my ear, mine soak into my pillow. Together we sleep restlessly.

Pins and needles.  He tosses.  I turn. Each of us feigning sleep. Each of us sharing the same thoughts.  We are scared.  What if I must have an ostomy?  The possibility is very real.  I keep reminding myself if I must have one, it is to save my life.

An ostomy connects either the small or large intestine to the abdominal surface. The intestines  are essentially re-routed to empty all excretions into an ostomy bag attached to the opening. When the large intestines are re-routed it is called a colostomy

It can be temporary or permanent. A temporary ostomy might be necessary if the intestinal tract is scarred or blocked by diseased tissue.  In most cases a temporary ostomy can be reversed with minimal or no intestinal damage.  If the intestinal function is impaired due to disease or if the intestinal muscles can no longer work properly, a permanent ostomy may be required.  A permanent colostomy is often used in conjunction with inflammatory bowel disease and rectal cancers.

 We start out spooning and end up flailing.  What if I lose too much blood?  A blood bank is stored up for me.  What if more tumors are found?  Rollover, curl up.  What if I die?  Del moans. Could it be cancer? I am so cold.  Why am I so cold?  It’s dark.  So dark.  No light anywhere. Darkness.  Cold.  Death.

I receive a one-way ticket from Hell.  A mist consumes me.  Dark. Damp. Cold.

“Congratulations. You have colon cancer”…stop…breath…colon cancer?

 “Please watch your step and enjoy your stay”…what?…breathe, remember to breathe…

 I hear the words over again, “Enjoy your stay…enjoy your stay…”  I am transported into another world.  Carrying a large burning torch, a demon named Cancer grabs me with his free arm and drags me into his lair. He is giddy with pleasure as he tries to sink his finger into my skull.  Like a drill, his nail penetrates through flesh and bone. He stirs his finger around.  Inside my skull.  Inside my brain.  Shrills of laughter echo and bounce off the damp, black, stone walls.

Quite suddenly Cancer withdraws his finger from my skull.  He appears startled.  He screams out with a high-pitch shrill I am certain wil make my ears bleed.  My eyes clench tight and my hands fly to my ears in reflex.  The screams bounce off the walls.  It reminds me of a siren as it seems to slowly go farther and farther away but never stopping to shriek.  Finally, the shrill vanishes within the mist.  I take my hands off my ears but I keep my eyes clenched shut.  Afraid the beast is still here.  Afraid this is a trick.  Afraid as soon as I open my eyes he will be right here in front of me sucking my brain matter off his fingertip.

I begin to sweat but I am frozen too.  After what seems hours but is no more than a few moments, I open one eye.  I sweep the dungeon from wall to wall as far as one eye can see.  Satisfied I was alone I open the other eye.  I almost wish I hadn’t.

Frightening shadows appear on the wall.  Is it Cancer? My heart stops.  Is he coming back?  The walls seem to move to the beat of my heart.  It smells of death. I shiver in fear, or maybe it is in cold. Alone.  All alone.

With help from the torch, my eyes adjust to the darkness.  The walls really are pulsating.  I have the impression I am being digested!  Cancer is consuming me.  Quickly, I try to get the picture out of my mind.  I remember how Cancer sucked my flesh off his finger.  For the first time in my life I feel Terror. While Cancer consumes me, I feel the arms of Terror holding me into place.  Unable to move or to even scream.  Terror coils itself around me, taking my breath. Cancer and Terror are allies.  Together they render me helpless.

Slay The Beast. Only I can see him. He has haunted me for years. His prophecies are real.The root of my fears. He finally attacked. I am fighting him off.

He is so strong. I am too soft. I have turned to mush. This is a long battle. There is no time to rest. His tail rattles. Ready to strike. The snake that he is. Venomous bite. Feeding on flesh. Sucking out blood. Bone and tissue. Poisonous flood. Craving my life Fangs in deep. Holding tight. Making me weep. But I will win. The beast will be slayed. He won’t get me down. Inside of a grave. Nae, wake up! Nae! Del shakes harder.

 I spring bolt upright, gasping for air. My hair is wet and sticking to the side of my face.  My skin clammy and my nightgown drenched in sweat.  With a whimper I lay back down.  Too hot to curl up against Del, I turnover. Back to back, we both drift back to sleep.

Glass shadows cracking under my feet. Step on a crack become obsolete. How did I get here? How do I leave? I feel like a trick, pulled out from a sleeve.  I am in Wonderland without Alice. This is frightening full of malice.

Glass shadows casting on the land. Cracking under my feet as I stand. If I fall through, where will it lead? I can’t stay here, I must leave. How do I go, where is the way? Bring me guidance, don’t let me stray.

Cracking shadows full of lies. Shattered hearts and broken dreams. In a place which is not what it seems. Trust no one, all is bad. If I am stuck here much longer. I will go mad. A funhouse which never ends. Full of horrors and screams.

Close my eyes and pretend. Click my heels think of home. Open eyes, I see a gnome. But I am still here. What do I do? Pray for a prince. To make my dreams come true?

Take me away from shadows that crack. Take me away from shards of  glass. Take me away from all that’s ill. But let me escape from some of the real? Can’t I have two worlds in one? No pain or hurt. No sickness or death. Gather all horror and leave it behind. Please leave me. Only a good design.

Take me from here.  Take me away. Put it in a dream and scream it away.

Desperately, I look all around. I need Inspiration, Hope, Faith!  I see nothing.  “Please, come. I am here”, I shout out.

I pray.  Dear God, please lift the shadows.  Destroy the nightmares. Allow me to see your light.  Do not allow my soul to be lost forever.  I am your child.  I put myself in your hands.  Please Dear Lord, hear my words.  The chains are broken. Though Cancer continues to lurk nearby, I am free! I spread my wings, the chains break-away. I arise. I arise. I arise!

Today, I am Okay. Today, I will be alright. What will tomorrow bring? I won’t know, until I turn the page..

 Today is the day.  Today is the day….breath…today is the day of the rest of my life

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00AKZ98KS

Cancer is My Name, by Renee Robinson

Genuine Sunflowers

Nae's Nest —  August 9, 2013 — 1 Comment

I can’t express how moved I am for (finally) checking on some of my comments.  I have share tidbits from Jamie’s blog on occasion.  She has been a follower (and I of her) for some time now.  She and I will exchange words on a regular basis.

I have met so many beautiful people through my blog.  Kind-hearted, loving and sensitive.  Too many for me to possibly name.  The seed of sorrow is watered with tears.  The sorrow grows and transforms itself.  Once again happiness is felt.

Through my sorrow, tears and blessings from above, people like Jamie have come into my garden.  These are what sunflowers are.  Thanks to Jamie…and others I’d love to name but fear of leaving one out…my brown barren field of sorrow brought forth the most beautiful field of sunflowers I have ever seen.  The field grows farther than my eye can see.  Each one precious.

Jamie, know in your heart that I love you and know how happy your gesture has made me.

All of my love, to you….to all of my Sunflowers.

Renee Robinson

How beautiful! I can’t thank you enough. Cancer has brought me many blessings. You are proof of this. Had it not been for this horrible disease, our paths would have never crossed.
Thank you so much. I cry tears of joy.
You have reached out to many in so many ways and have been extremely supportive.
I love you dear friend
Hugs, kisses and who cares about the misspelled name? I’d much rather bask in your comment!

I hope you will forgive me for presuming to write about one of your books on my blog.
http://musingbymoonlight.com/2013/08/03/secrets-of-the-heart/

Warmest regards,
Jamie

THE POET BY DAY, the journey in poem

Shadows of the Heart

Posted in General InterestWriters/Poets by Jamie Dedes on August 3, 2013

Renee Robinson

Renee Robinson

Normally, I don’t write about a blogger’s book unless I’m sent the book for review. I never assume that a writer wants me to comment. I’m making an exception in this case and I hope Renee will forgive me.

For the past several years I have watched this young woman produce an extraordinary volume of work,  taking refuge in poetry as she struggles with metastatic colon cancer. She is one of several people I know – mostly personal but a few online (Renee is one of these)  – who have walked the hero’s path engaged in an art form, leaving a trail of flowers for us  to follow along the way. One dearest and hugely talented was my friend Ann Emerson, a brilliant star who died earlier this year but not before making it into American Poetry Review. Ann had never written a poem or published professionally until after her diagnosis with a rare bone cancer, which she bravely fought for six years. Other friends have found comfort in music, art, fiction, or essay writing.

“Life is ever-changing. It is what we make of it. Though I have no control of when my life will end, I can paint my words out on a canvas. I can show my love for my family with each stroke. Life is temporary. Memories, like words, live on.” Renee Robins, poet-writer-blogger …

shadows-of-the-heart-coverRenee has self-published several collections that are on Amazon. The one I selected to read is Shadows of the Heart  … the operative word here is not “shadow,” it’s “heart” . . . A collection of poems from a big heart evolved from a deeply prolific rhizome of courage. Here in this book are the young shoots and old adventitious roots of a budding talent, a very special lady. This collection, written by a non-professional, is nonetheless notable for its intense feeling arising out of her unshakable affection and appreciation for her husband and a deep passion for writing combined with the knowledge that her life is on the wane. In this last thing, she is only different from her readers in that she is no longer in denial and is using her time constructively, leaving her own unique message of love, courage, and beauty for family, friends, and blogger fans.

On her blog/website she says, ” I find myself “Dancing With Cancer”, problem is…I can’t dance. I stumble, bumble, and get pulled along. To keep my sanity, (humor me), I write short stories, a journal, musings and poetry….just about anything goes.”  Renee Robinson, Nae’s Nest

Photo credits (portrait and cover art), Renee Robinson, All rights reserved

Cleanse The Stains

Nae's Nest —  July 25, 2013 — 2 Comments

Sick and alone here in his bed

Thinking of the future

What lays ahead?

Wishing I could sleep

But my soul needs to search

Cleanse the stains of my heart

That I may I join God’s church

The burdens of life are weighing me down

Steeped with sorrow, Will glory be found?

I cannot take anymore, for I am too weak

Will you accept me Dear Lord?

It is your grace that I seek

Renee Robinson

Holding On

Nae's Nest —  July 16, 2013 — Leave a comment
She loves and neglects him
It is not her intention
She is in a fight
A fight for her life
Leaving her exhausted
Leaving her weak
Her life right now
Is incomplete
Everything
Everyone
Neglected
Except her bed
All alone and in pain
Waited on
Hand and foot
He is so good to her
His love grows an endless root
The purest of souls
He helps her to fight
He gives her strength
The strain must be hard
Unable to think
He never complains
Though a tear my flow
As they hold one another
Refusing to let go
Renee Robinson

White Lace

Nae's Nest —  July 15, 2013 — 2 Comments

Winter’s blanket will come

To cover the dead

Heaven’s white coverlet

Cold as death

Like a veil of white lace

Snowflakes fall

A glimpse of another world

The final curtain call

Another world, another time

The door of death’s portal

Opens to reveal the Light

The star of the immortal

Once followed by three wise men

It led them through the night

Now the Guide to Heaven’s door

It will lead me to the shore

With the Captain of the sea

Through the portal I shall go

Crossing over

To eternity

Renee Robinson