If longing for him, loving him, missing him, crying for him-are crimes-I PLEAD GUILTY. I can’t explain why.
My mind tells me different–it warns me I am crazy, I should find a way out. NOW–While he is out of town, right now-RUN RUN RUN! Go now while I can—but
I can’t! I can’t go, I can’t leave. Where will I go? To a shelter? How long can I stay? And this underground business–you can forget that! I have family, I will not leave them behind because of him.
No,no,no! I can not go to my family. They are religious. They believe– once married, always married. They do not know of the, the —abuse, no,no, crime no… shit the… situation. Somehow it would be all my fault. Who am I kidding??
It IS my fault. I am a disappointment. I was always a disappointment to him. I make lousy eggs, I burn the roasts, I gained weight…Countless crimes, I have committed countless offenses. No wonder I am in this mess!
When we married, he expected a saintly, obedient, subservient wife. I was young and immature. I think I was in love with the idea of getting married. I felt I better leap on this opportunity because no one else would want me. So, he ended up with me.
At that time, I was 5’2″, 105lbs, long dark red wavy hair and innocent–innocent and stupid naive. He was mature, handsome and he wanted me.
From the time I was 12, I had boyfriends. I had no trouble getting one. My uncle used to tell me they were standing in line to be honored with a chance to date me. But I knew being female was all it took for the boys to line up.
In the beginning, “the dating stage”, Carter treated me well. Though, to be honest, there were red flags that I chose to ignore.
I recall a time when he came to my house to visit with both my mother and I. I left the room to get beverages. Upon my return, I overheard Carter saying I was out of shape. I needed to lose some weight. The statement angered me. However, I was devastated when I heard my own mother agreeing with him!
I let the both of them know how angry and hurt I was. Both of them managed to get me to blame myself for the entire ordeal. I guess, I was a little flabby. I could stand to tighten up and lose a few more pounds. That night, I cried myself to sleep.
Our dating experience continued along these lines. The red flag would wave brightly. I chose not to see it and eventually I married him.
I can’t don’t want to go into great detail. It is just too
- 1. One morning, I decided to surprise Carter with a nice big breakfast. Breakfast was his favorite meal, however he had to leave for work much too early to sit down and enjoy a long leisurely breakfast. This Sunday morning was lovely. The sun was out, birds were singing, (I was careful not to sing, Carter says my voice is terrible–though, up until the time of our marriage, I was lead singer in a popular local band–he made me quit). While he was out jogging, I was preparing a surprise breakfast with all of his favorites. Carter returned to a house smelling of wonderful breakfast delights. Without acknowledging or saying anything, he sat at the table. I asked him if I surprised him. He said, “A good hearty breakfast should never be a surprise it is expected.”
- I worked third shift at a medical facility. Carter didn’t want me working. I knew we needed the extra money, especially with the meager weekly allowance he handed me every week. Funny, the allowance never increased after I started working, but I said nothing. I knew better. I also knew not to complain that I was unable to keep up with my wifely duties, which included cooking and cleaning throughout the day while he was at work. He did not want me wasting my time sleeping, reading, or watching TV. He believed watching TV or reading put thoughts and ideas into my head. I resented this, I felt he was telling me I wasn’t smart enough to have an idea or thought of my own.
- I began to serve him. I always personally served him no matter where we were, except for restaurants; where my duties were relieved by the waitress. I did long to be able to order what I wanted, instead of him always ordering for me. If I dare complain, he would say: “You get out of cooking and serving me and still you are not satisfied”. I supposed he was right.
- I served him a couple of fried eggs, over-easy. He looked at the eggs and then looked at me. He was furious! He began to rant and rave saying things like “you did this intentionally” and “you are just trying to get out of cooking breakfast”. The next thing he did, shocked me. He took the plate and threw it against the wall. The plate stuck to the wall and slowly slid down to the floor leaving a sticky trail of egg yolk, about 4ft long. I jumper up, upset and started to cry. Over his yelling, I shrieked back “I am not going to clean that mess up. You made it, you clean it!” I ran upstairs and locked the bedroom door. Thankfully, he did not follow. I heard a door slam somewhere, the basement, I supposed. He often retreated down there when he “needed to escape his childish and selfish wife”. I often thought of locking him down there, taking the car keys and leaving. Thank God we never had children. I cleaned the egg mess, 3 days later. **************************************************************************************************
- We did not have the money for a long romantic honeymoon. We took a local weekend trip instead. We stayed in a 1 bedroom cabin on a state campground. There was a beautiful view of the lake, and many activities such as hiking, and horseback riding among other things. However, we did what any young healthy newlyweds do–we stayed in our cabin, only surfacing for food. It was wonderful. I knew we would be happy the rest of our lives. It is a shame we had to leave. It all came to an end.
- We had a nice apartment. The bedroom was a loft overlooking the living room. It was perfect. Carter made me quit my job just before we married, proclaiming: “Any woman of mine will not work. My wife’s duty is to stay home, keep my house for me, and to wait on me when I am home.” I regretfully quit my job. I worked my way through school. I had just begun to work with the elderly. I loved my job.
- Our first day in our apartment I spent unpacking, cleaning and cooking a nice meal. I had dinner on the table when he got home. However, I managed to break a rule our first night. I was unaware of this rule, at the time, I was unaware of any rule. I think he enjoyed “training” me when I broke some rule of his. The unforgivable rule I broke this night was “failing to pull his boots off and rub his feet”. He threw a fit. He said, as a wife I should have known when a man gets home from work he has a seat and expects his wife to pull his boots off and rub his tired and sore feet! He wondered just how “stupid” I was. He rubbed my nose into his boots so I would never forget this rule again. He also locked me into our bedroom. I could see from the loft that he turned on the TV and ate our meal in the living room.**************************************************
- I have decided to share 1 more story with you and then I had better get home. Yes, I know how you feel, I am just not ready yet. I am scared. If you want to hear this last story, you will hush now.
- This episode happened, well it happened just before I ran over here! I am still shaking. It was so stupid, and it is my fault. I knew better. I had just come home from grocery shopping. He was angry because I was gone a half hour more than he estimated I should be. I told him I was sorry. He was not satisfied because I did not elaborate. There was nothing to elaborate on. I had no explanation. He kept bugging me, so I finally told him I must have gazed at the tomatoes longer than I should have. Well, now he needed to punish me for my smartass remark. He jumped me. He is 6′ tall and 200lbs. I am now 130 (he really hates that). He had me pinned to the floor. I was unable to get away. He began to rip my clothes. He was hitting me, you can see the marks on my face. I have marks all over my body. He forced his way with me–he had sex with me, it hurt so bad. I didn’t want it. He also stuck the TV remote control in me and roughly……you know. I said something about him raping me. He says a husband can not rape his wife. She is supposed to submit, if she does not, a husband has every right to take what is his. His grip finally loosened on me. I think he was trying to find something else to insert and hurt me with. I managed to get away. I got up on me feet and ran out the door. I was pulling up my torn shorts and straightening my torn blouse as I ran. Thank God my keys were still in my pants. I left without my purse, but I only have about $6.00 dollars left out of the grocery money. I was not allowed credit or debit cards nor was I allowed the checkbook or cash.
Talking all of this over embarrasses me. Some seems trivial, other things are horrible but my fault. I just don’t know what to do. I came here, to this shelter for help but he will come after me. If he goes to jail, he will get out and get me!
What do I do?
I am
Imprisoned
There is no escaping
No one to help
This is my plight
I should go back
Take my medicine
This is my bed
I should lay in it
My fault
Always
Too stupid
Too ugly
Too slow
Too fat
Too married
by Renee Robinson
***Though the content is heartwrenching, this is a fictional writing. I do sincerely hope, it will help someone who is in the situation, please take that hand that is offered. Do not wait until you end up going to your grave.
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Nae's Nest 