What is Life without Hope?

Nae's Nest —  May 13, 2014 — 7 Comments

I have mentioned before my colon cancer has spread to my liver. My liver is inoperable. I have too many tumors to count. This I have known for a while. I continued chemo to pro-long my life, however, I still held out hope to be cured.

Last week, I had a PT Scan. The results- I have several tumors in the lower lobe on my lungs and a there is a tumor on my 8th rib.

Yesterday, I went to The James which is one of the top (possibly THE TOP) cancer research hospitals in the world. My local oncologist suggested my going there (again) to see if I qualify for experimental treatment.

They took blood that will be sent to the research hospital. If a cure or new treatment should come up, I will be contacted.

For now it has been decided I will not undergo any experiments. The Doctor instead, recommends a highly toxic drug which I will only be able to take for 6 months through chemo. Dispiste it’s being highly toxic, I should not feel any side-effects such as nausea/vomiting, mouth sores or hair loss. The damage it does will show in the blood. Doc’s will allow my immunities and other substances within my blood to decrease to a certain point before stopping the chemo. Even if my blood should still look stable at the end of the 6 months, I will still be taken off the drug.

Yesterday, I spent all day at the hospital. As a result, at around 3:00pm when I got home, I went directly to bed and was not able to wake up (for long) until about noon today. I am still exhausted and doubt I will stay up very long before taking a nap.

I have noticed such a change in my stamina. A year ago, I would have been tired, but not nearly like this. I no longer have the wind to do very much without losing my breath. I have trouble dressing and showering without assistance because of this. I can’t help but wonder how much longer I have.

I believe I am still in denial. In spite of my symptoms and dire prognosis, I do not truly believe I am going to die. This must be part of what keeps me upbeat. This along with the support of my family and friends.
My writing is a great outlet. I have noticed I am slowing down in this area. I am afraid if I get to where I am unable to write, this will mean my end is near. I do not want to lose my hope.

Nae's Nest

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I find myself "Dancing With Cancer", problem is...I can't dance. I stumble, bumble, and get pulled along. To keep my sanity, (humor me), I write short stories, a journal, musings and poetry....just about anything goes.

7 responses to What is Life without Hope?

  1. 

    Hang in there Renee, good luck and God bless.

    Where there is life
    there is hope.
    Where there is hope
    there is life.
    And with all may you cope
    til you’re free of your strife.
    ~Jake~

    • 

      I truly appreciate your kindness. I can always count of you to leave me sweet words of hope. You are like a trickle of water helping me to nourish life.

      • 

        Thank you too Renee, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me, but, I don’t think I’ve ever been called a “trickle” (of any kind) before.. You are the first. lol. Please take care of yourself and all else we’ll leave in God’s hands.

  2. 

    Dear Nae,
    You amaze me. You are such a fighter! This new treatment might take it out of you, but when it’s over, perhaps your energy levels will improve. And I don’t see anything wrong with a healthy dose of denial! If it keeps you going, what harm does it do?
    Sending good wishes your way!

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