To Live or Not To Live?

Nae's Nest —  July 18, 2013 — 10 Comments

About 6 weeks ago, my chemo was stopped.  I have had chemo on and off for over 4 years.  I just can’t seem to get rid of the cancer.  It started in my colon. I had to give up 16 inches of large intestine, followed by chemo.  Precancerous cells were found in my throat and the chemo was blamed for creating ulcers in my stomach.  I had surgery to remove the part of the esophagus where the cancer cells were having a party.  The ulcers were treated for over a year before healing.  From there it traveled to my liver.  I had 2 tumors burned off and a portion of my liver was removed for the other 2.  Much like a lizard rejuvenating its tail when it is bitten off, the liver has the ability to grow back.  It is the only organ in our body with this ability.  This procedure was followed by chemo.

Within only a couple of months after the liver surgery, the cancer moved right back into my liver.  This time it brought an army.  I have too many tumors to count.  Operating is out of the question.  Nor can I have a liver transplant because I am considered “high risk” …(isn’t everyone waiting for an organ “high risk”?)

So, back to chemo.  After a few doses, my CT scan showed while still numerous, the tumors were shrinking. Back to chemo.

Every single dose of chemo makes me very sick.  Not just the usual nasty side effects which are expected, but also the numerous side effects which are less common.  The chemo is eating away too many healthy blood cells and tissue.  My thought processes are affected which makes me a little slower and forgetful.  My nerve endings are damaged beyond repair which causes me tremendous pain primarily in my legs and feet. My intestines no longer seem to know how to function.  It gets angry just about every time I try to eat.  Sometimes it speeds food through my system too fast.  Other times, it doesn’t seem to want anything to leave my body as if my nutrition is taking a leisurely scenic route all the way through.

I ended up being too sick to go to chemo.  Somehow that almost sounds like an oxymoron.  I missed my last 2 chemo appointments because I couldn’t even leave bed I was left so weak and ill.

The Doctor decided to give me a 6 week break from chemo before returning.  This means around July 31rst, I will be returning.  He said without chemo I will have around a year to 1 1/2 years to live.  If I can tolerate chemo, my life will be prolonged but I will continue to get weaker and sicker as the chemo also eats away more of my healthy tissue.  Sounds pretty bleak, doesn’t it?

I suppose I will go back to chemo.  Although I ask myself is worth it?  Is it worth it when my quality of life goes down my colon? I believe I will try it again.  I just don’t have a choice, do I?

I continue to pray for a miracle.  In fact, I now beg for a miracle.  I don’t want to die.  Four years later, I still want to live.  I continue to fight.

To pray.

To write.

To love.

To hope.

To beg.

To live.


Nae's Nest


I find myself "Dancing With Cancer", problem is...I can't dance. I stumble, bumble, and get pulled along. To keep my sanity, (humor me), I write short stories, a journal, musings and poetry....just about anything goes.

10 responses to To Live or Not To Live?


    You are a very courageous women….I pray that the Lord Jesus comes to you and touches you, He heals the wounds, in your heart, your mind and your spirit. I pray that He delivers you from this spirit of infirmity….Cancer was not His plan for your life; it is the enemy trying to destroy the beauty of an inspirational heart…A heart that sees beyond this realm and into the greater unknown. God Bless you ~Sincerely Cindy♥


    Always in my heart Renee – so hard to make these calls… you are a champion and i have so much admiration for the brave path you walk. Hugs and Love – x Robyn


    Renee, I hope you remember your MAINE buddy! I finally have a little technology! I am not the writer that Renee is, but please listen to my words;
    There are so many wonderful people in our lives that we take for granted because we spend too much effort on the day to day. I once had a very true friend and I have let her down when she needed me the most due to a tragedy in my own world. I didn’t think I could take it all on. I didn’t want to bring my sadness to someone who was already taking on so much. By trying to spare her grief for what I might be suffering, I let our relationship suffer. Knowing she would have been there for me! Now I KNOW I have been wrong! I hope she will forgive me.
    It does not matter what goes on in your own life, it is better if you have a trusted friend to lean on. I am a believer in miracles. I know one already. Love you!


    I feel I should say something, but I don’t know what. You are going through a really tough time, I didn’t know, but I do now, and I want you to know that you will be in my thoughts now. Take care and live, write, do what makes you you.


    You are in my heart and prayers, Renee, and wishing good fortune with this round of chemo.

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